DotH repost: Microsoft is a malevalent Elder God...

Speaking of computer, let's speak about mine. I sitll don't have one. I almost did, but alas, it didn't work. Saturday evening my roommate Miome (who hosts my GW fics over at Miome's Maxwell House) was working on installing Windows 98 onto what will become my computer. She got it done on Saturday and asked me the all important question. What did I want to name my computer?

Understand I have been tired all weekend long. Saturday (Em, Dan, Cneko, Jag, Miome and I were all supposed to finish an RPG we started playing on Friday. Only I was so tired, that I fell asleep. So Miome took me home and woke me up for dinner and then asked me, while I was still tired, to name my computer. So I named it the first thing that came to my mind.

I called it Tanako.

In retrospect, it would have been better if I named my computer after Cthulu. Or Loki. Certainly naming my computer Loki would have invited less trouble. I can just see the conversation now.

Tsaiko: Hey, I think my computer is possessed by a malevalent Elder God.

Random person: Why do you say that?

Tsaiko: Because it keeps throwing errors, crashes at the worse moments, won't boot half the time, randomly eats programs and/or files, and works perfectly fine when I get someone here to look at it and tell me what's wrong.

Random person: Oh that. That's just Microsoft.

Tsaiko: Like I said, my computer has been possessed by a malevalent Elder God...

But no, I had to go and name my computer Tanako. For those who are going "Who the Heck is Tanako?" I'd advise you reading Ani. For those of you who have read it, feel my pain. Because tanako is the kind of character that get's stuck in your head and makes a pain out of himself. He's done it to me and to the wonderfully talented Ms. Miko, demanding that we do what he wanted when he wanted and pitching a fit when we didn't listen.

So I tried to boot up my computer on Sunday. Threw an error. Tried again. Different error. Yet again. Yet another error. So I went and got Miome to see what the problem was. She assured me it booted just find Saturday. I wandered into her room to play on her computer while she fixed mine.

The first sign that something was wrong was the cry of despair that emanated from my room after about an hour. But I though, "Hey, it's MS. Cries of despair are normal when dealing with it." Then another hour went by and Miome wandered in and started banging her head against the wall. That's when I knew. My computer was down and would not be coming back up that night. So I went and consoled Miome telling her that it was not her fault. Then I wrote stories the old fashioned way. By hand.

So I am still without computer. When will I be able to churn out the fanfics and short stories you all know and love? I don't know. But I will always accept donations in the for of comments to keep me writing.

And money. Money is alwaus good.

DotH Repost: Open mouth, insert other foot.

In the grand tradition of Tsaiko opening her mouth only long enough to exchange feet, I have managed to piss one of my friends off. This was mostly due to the fact that I hit a nerve and didn't realize I had done so until we both were in an on-line yelling match and she dropped off the channel. And yet, I still didn't get it until someone pointed out I was being unreasonable. Only then did I realize that "Why yes, what I said could have been taken as something other than fooling around."

My life was so much easier before I had real friends. It was cold, it was lonely. I hurt like you wouldn't believe. I still carry the scars on my soul from those times. But my life was very simple. I had one goal: make it through school. In order to do that I needed to interact with others. So I learned how to do so. And somewhere along the way I made friends. Good friends. Friends that I'm still talk to and go out with every once in awhile.

These were not really close friends. Oh, I knew them and they thought they knew me. I showed them what they wanted to see. I hid myself behind a facade becaue I needed them. Deep down people are pack animals. Give them an option, and even the most solitary of people will find others to hang out with. So my friends and I came together to form a group of outcasts, friendship born out of mutual need. But deep down I knew they didn't know me.

Because deep down, I was still the Wolf. Born of cold logic and bitter self-hatred, that was who I was for many years. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. No one was willing to give me the chance. I was an outcast, lowest in the pack, circling others waiting for a chance to belong. The chance came in the form of my highschool friends. And I began to change.

When I got to college, I found people who were as different inside as I was. Some hurting, some fractured, some lonely, some wanting to belong. Suddenly I went from someone who nobody wanted to hang around with, to the pack leader. Why did these people congregate with each other? Because I was there. I did my best to make sure everyone was welcomed. This was my pack and I would be damned if I would let it become what I had seen in highschool.

Eventually, the group split up and reformed, a hundred a thousand times. Schedules changed. Interests waned. People graduated. New people were invited. Groups go through that and I never tried to stop it from evolving But the core ideal I planted remained. All are welcomed.

Most of all, I changed. The Wolf is still apart of me. He/she still reflects his/her birth. Cold logic and bitter self-hatred but time has tempered the sword's edge. There are other's to balance out the Wolf. The Dragon and the Unicorn. But he/she is not my core anymore. I walked through Hell, and with the help of myself, my friends, and my aspects, I made it.

Yet sometimes all those things aren't enough. Sometimes I mistep, say the wrong thing, step outside the boundaries. And when I do the Wolf is there circling, ready to rake his/her claws against my soul. Ready to send me into the small, shivering heap I once was. The Wolf is darkness and hate, logic and a betrayal of self. But he/she is also a part of me, and I will never forget that.

So if I hurt, and don't want to talk about it, please understand that it's just the way I am.