tsaiko: Gif of a lemming falling off an edge (Default)
In the grand tradition of Tsaiko opening her mouth only long enough to exchange feet, I have managed to piss one of my friends off. This was mostly due to the fact that I hit a nerve and didn't realize I had done so until we both were in an on-line yelling match and she dropped off the channel. And yet, I still didn't get it until someone pointed out I was being unreasonable. Only then did I realize that "Why yes, what I said could have been taken as something other than fooling around."

My life was so much easier before I had real friends. It was cold, it was lonely. I hurt like you wouldn't believe. I still carry the scars on my soul from those times. But my life was very simple. I had one goal: make it through school. In order to do that I needed to interact with others. So I learned how to do so. And somewhere along the way I made friends. Good friends. Friends that I'm still talk to and go out with every once in awhile.

These were not really close friends. Oh, I knew them and they thought they knew me. I showed them what they wanted to see. I hid myself behind a facade becaue I needed them. Deep down people are pack animals. Give them an option, and even the most solitary of people will find others to hang out with. So my friends and I came together to form a group of outcasts, friendship born out of mutual need. But deep down I knew they didn't know me.

Because deep down, I was still the Wolf. Born of cold logic and bitter self-hatred, that was who I was for many years. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. No one was willing to give me the chance. I was an outcast, lowest in the pack, circling others waiting for a chance to belong. The chance came in the form of my highschool friends. And I began to change.

When I got to college, I found people who were as different inside as I was. Some hurting, some fractured, some lonely, some wanting to belong. Suddenly I went from someone who nobody wanted to hang around with, to the pack leader. Why did these people congregate with each other? Because I was there. I did my best to make sure everyone was welcomed. This was my pack and I would be damned if I would let it become what I had seen in highschool.

Eventually, the group split up and reformed, a hundred a thousand times. Schedules changed. Interests waned. People graduated. New people were invited. Groups go through that and I never tried to stop it from evolving But the core ideal I planted remained. All are welcomed.

Most of all, I changed. The Wolf is still apart of me. He/she still reflects his/her birth. Cold logic and bitter self-hatred but time has tempered the sword's edge. There are other's to balance out the Wolf. The Dragon and the Unicorn. But he/she is not my core anymore. I walked through Hell, and with the help of myself, my friends, and my aspects, I made it.

Yet sometimes all those things aren't enough. Sometimes I mistep, say the wrong thing, step outside the boundaries. And when I do the Wolf is there circling, ready to rake his/her claws against my soul. Ready to send me into the small, shivering heap I once was. The Wolf is darkness and hate, logic and a betrayal of self. But he/she is also a part of me, and I will never forget that.

So if I hurt, and don't want to talk about it, please understand that it's just the way I am.
tsaiko: Gif of a lemming falling off an edge (Default)
Somehow or another my roommate's keys wound up in my purse. We're still not sure how this happened. I think she put them in there. She thinks I put them in there. We argued. Then I suggested that they somehow fell in my purse. It was a good enough excuse for us to drop the argument without either one of us admitting that they were wrong.

Though personally, I still think she put it in my purse ^_^.

It's funny how people remember stuff like meetings, assigments, birthdays, parties, etc. Or smaller stuff, like the factthat you have to get up early to finish a project before 8:00. I have this internal reminder system. It's great. Most times I don't even need a pocket calender. In fact, I went for three years in college without one. I got my assignments done on time. All my projects done. Always knew when my club meetings were.

I love my reminder system. It works like this: I'll have something that needs to get done. About a day or two (or sometimes an hour depending on how much lead time it thinks I need)I'll hear this little ping! sound in my head. And then I listen for the message. It generally goes something along the lines of "You have a test tommorrow in Business Law. Or something to that effect. I am reminded and all is good.

But it can be annoying too. For instance, if I decide that I need to get up at 6:15 to take a shower instead of at 7:00 (which is what I do when I take a shower at night) this is what happens:

ping! You were getting up early to take a shower.

It's 4:30 in the morning! I don't need to get up this early to take a shower.

Yes, you do. Otherwise you might go back to sleep and be late.

That's why I have the alarm set.

You've slept through your alarm before.

I've never slept through this alarm. You made sure I bought one I couldn't sleep through.

But you might start. better to get you up now then risk it.

Have I mentioned that sometimes I hate you?

Several times.

Sometimes I lend my reminder system out. Especially to my roommate. She is the world's worse for forgetting stuff. Appointments, meetings, classes, where she puts things. So I've gotten in the habit of reminding her when stuff is. Unfortunately, it's not as lenient as it is with me. So often five minutes before she has to be somewhere it will kick in. ping! Tell [livejournal.com profile] miome she's got five minutes to get to class. Which inevitably leads to the her making this squeaking sound and running around frantically much to the amusement of my reminder system (sadist that it is).

My little reminder system always makes a ping! sound. Always. I'm not quite sure how it pulls it off. There is only one time when the ping! is not present. When I'm late. Then I get a nice, snarly voice. Full of growls and teeth and annoyance at the fact that I once again have messed up.

Hey dimwit. You do realize that we were supposed to have that paperwork done by 3:00. Check the time lately?

CRAP! It's 4:00. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.

You forgot? This paperwork is necessary for us getting a job. And you simply forgot about it? Are doing this deliberately?

Look, I got busy. I didn't remember. Besides, you're suppose to remind me.

I did.

Too late for it to do any good.

If you had done this earlier, instead of waiting till the last minute we wouldn't have this problem, now would we?

There's a big disadvantage to arguing with yourself. You always know exactly what to say to win. Now my roommate has this other reaction to the realization she's late that drives my reminder system batty. Miome decides that she's already so late, that it doesn't matter and she doesn't care.

I can't do this. I don't see how she can do this. I am one of these people that even if it's just for the last five minutes, I will go to a clas if I am late. I am the kind of person that feels guilty if I call in sick to work and I am not about to die. I spend all day thinking about how I should be at work, all the things that I need to get done. I will stare at the clock and go bonkers. My reminder system will drive me nuts, frothing at the mouth about how we'll have to work three times as hard to catch up.

Miome doesn't have this problem. She simply forgets about it and moves on.

...

I don't get it.

But I still think she put her keys in my purse.

Who am I?

tsaiko: Gif of a lemming falling off an edge (Default)
tsaiko

November 2019

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